Why I did not Revolt

Finished streaming on my Ruko Good Girls Revolt from Amazon and memories of 1969 came flowing out of my database of a brain. I ashamed to admit that I did not join the women's movement but allowed generations of male dominance to continue in the workplace and my social life.

I continued to believe that main purpose in life was to become a wife and Mother who would honor and obey her husband. Heaven forbid that a woman would continue to work after becoming a Mother. The economy, the birth control pill and the women's movement slowly changed the women's role in the workplace but unfortunately men still disrespected women by treating them as girls. A girl made the coffee, answered the phone and subjected to countless sexual advances and innuendos.

Perhaps becoming involved in the women's movement my life would be radically different. My focus in 1969 was to become a wife and Mother and made the worst decision of my life by a man that I did not love. He may have known how I felt and began to physically abused me. My self esteem was lower than during my teenage years. Having a baby complicated the situation  so I left and became a single Mom.

My search for another husband was my once again my focus and a career never happened because I never believed in a dream.

Career Regrets

Nearing the end of my working years looking back so many regrets were made; starting with the career avenue my parents chose for me. History and theater were my passions; dreams were floating in my teenage head about acting in a Broadway musical or comedy or teaching junior high students in American History. My parents were paying for my education to a two year Junior College where my career path would continue where my high school education ended; being an executive secretary was my future.  Now Forty-six years late, I am still a secretary aka Administrator Assistant.

Unfortunately I chose the road most taken as illustrated in Robert Frost's poem, The Road Not Taken.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

My first full time job was a legal secretary for a lawyer who also sold insurance; it was completely boring and within a year I was a junior secretary/receptionist with a financial firm.  Another year and another job with global company which was headquartered in Boston in the Prudential Building; my title was Executive Secretary to the Vice President of Marketing. This job was not entirely boring as I found market research intriguing and a skill that would be used for years to come. Marketing and Advertising would continue to be a passion but my first experience was too early in my life to be appreciated. 

What type of job would make me satisfied? A job which would offer me intellectual stimulation and be in a glamorous industry. One Sunday morning in the Boston Globe Classified Ad section, there was an ad for clerical support in the CIA which caught my eye and applied. To my surprise, I was called in for an interview where the recruiter explained the job could send me any where in the world. How exciting I would be working with spies and help keep my country safe.

The majority of the people I told about my job opportunity was aghast; how could I even consider working for a government agency which massacres people throughout the world. I can now admit that letting other people made my decision was a huge regret. My life may have been so different if I had made the decision to take the job. This regret would be the first of several that other people would decide my career road.

When I do retire next year, the regrets will be in the past and will just another baby-boomer woman who put family first. 

Waiting For Prince Charming

Baby Boomers fed right into Mr. Disney's fairy tales and all the little girls grew up believing Prince Charming would ride into their lives. We were told by our parents, teachers and media that girls would work for a few years after school until they married. Women would stay home and take care of the children and the home; we had no aspirations past what was predetermined for us. As teenagers we began the quest for finding Mr. Right; first step filling that Hope Chest.

A Hope Chest was made of cedar and young girls would slowly buy items for their married life. I will admit it that the only Hope Chest I owned was a miniature one.  A girl's family would purchase the chest once she became engaged; the engagement would last at least two years. Unfortunately for the Hope Chest; the Summer of 1967 occurred and "free love" became the norm. Couples would shack-up before marriage and the median age of marrying was no longer 20 years of age.

Finding Mr. Right was a goal of mine because I believed that my life would become perfect. Fifty years ago I did not realize I was seeking perfection to make me happy. At that point in time, I was lacking self-esteem and in my twisted teenage mind believed a perfect Mr. Right would make me happy.  In hindsight my criteria for Mr. Right was way out of my league; who did I think would be attracted to me?  As a teenager, looks were of utmost importance; nice eyes and smile and slim figure. Ultimately his looks, his swagger and personality were my downfall due to my lack of self-esteem.

Having no confidence in my own looks, personality and intelligence, I became needy in all my relationships. No one wants their girlfriend to be needy and possessive but I could not stop my behavior. I worried all the time about his whereabouts or if another woman was attempting to steal him away from me. If another woman stole him away, my feeling was that I was not perfect and would always be a man's number #2; never the love of his life. Unfortunately most men or boys in my life never realize that the younger me was being chameleonic, becoming the ideal  girlfriend. If the man loved baseball, I became a big Red Sox fan and knew all the stats of the present players or if a musician, his style of music would become mine.

Being a fraud was stressful and unfair to any relationship but honestly did not believe any man would like the real me. Once my high school boyfriend, David, broke up with me because I was too square and would not smoke weed or have sex, the decision was made to become perfect for the next boyfriend. 

In my old age, one of my biggest regard in life is  I never let the boyfriend believe he won a prize and not a booby prize. 

My Friend, Kenny Walkington

February 18, 2014


MY FRIEND KENNY WALKINGTON

The summer of 1965 will be the summer of my first taste of unrequited love. There were a few crushes but the crushes never knew I was alive. One of my best friends in high school, Judy Fitcher, introduced her friends to her cousin, Kenneth Walkington who came to spend the summer of 1965 with her family.  Judy was not that happy that she would be saddled with hosting Kenny who was sent North as punishment for his out-of-control behavior.

From the moment I set my eyes on Kenny with his sapphire blue eyes, olive skin and statuesque height; I was smitten. He was a Navy Brat who was living in Virginia Beach because his father was stationed in Norfolk. He was none to pleased to be forced to stay with his Aunt and Uncle but he was determined to still have a fun summer.  Although I was dating someone, Kenny and I became friends. We would have intense conversations about books, music, surfing and culture difference.

Kenny's Southern accent made my heart beat a tad faster; he was my image of a Rhett Butler type. Unfortunately in this relationship, I was the one carrying a torch for him. He was as charming as Clark Gable was in "Gone With The Wind" but I was no Scarlet O'Hara. At 16, I was an awkward flat-chested teenage girl with almost no experience with boys who could charm the panties off me. Yes, I was a virgin and intended to stay one until my wedding, that is what a girl did in the 1960's.

Most importantly Kenny knew how to make me laugh but he also knew how to make me uncomfortable. I did not realize at that time it was sexual tension. I flirted with him while still dating another boy but in the end it was not in the stars to be with Richie that summer. Richie was aware that my family had moved from Winthrop to Hamilton 25 miles to the north and would only be staying with friends and relatives for a spattering of time throughout the summer.

Over a span of a few days, I had become quite enamored with Kenny and his charming ways. One afternoon at the beach when it was apparent, my boyfriend did not join our clique on the wall, Kenny asked if I would walk home with him. He attempted to cheer me up on our walk home by stating that no one should treat a lady in that manner. When Richie called looking for me at Judy's, Kenny took the phone and asked where they had been during the afternoon. Richie answered they were cruising for girls at Breakheart Reservation.  Kenny took them to task and reported back to me what had transpired on the phone call. Being so naive, I did not know that he was just playing on my emotions. I did fall for his gallant manner.

That evening Ritchie gave me a filmy excuse for his absences and we made plan to go out with Judy and Ritchie's friend Al.  With butterflies in my stomach, I had a feeling that Richie would not keep our date. After a call to Judy to see if she had received a call from Al, she replied negatively. When it was after 8:00 PM, I called her again and Kenny answered.

He told me that Judy was not home, tears formed in my eyes and my voice was cracking in response to his statement, "I should have known...the coward he could not break up with me in person."

After a few seconds Ken asked if I would like to go into town (Boston) with him to see "Sandpiper" a movie staring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. With a moments thought I replied, "I would love to go and forget I was stood up."

We meet at the bus stop across from the high school and continue on to Boston. The night was magically to me; I was out with Kenny Walkington. To this day, I remember parts of that evening where we laughed and flirted as we were on a real date. In reality Kenny would never want me for a girlfriend but a girl could fantasized. During one of our curbside conversation, Kenny plainly told me that the girl of his dream was blonde, curvy, blue-eyed and from a wealthy family.

Knowing his preference in girlfriends did not stop me from wishing and hoping he would find me attractive. Over the summer, when I was in Winthrop we would find ourselves being drawn together by circumstance and friends. We continued our curbside conversations and walks from the beach. Evidently we became a tad intimate; strolls at night that involved kissing.  We did become close as friends and I held no false expectations for more but once he left in late August 1965, we promised to write.

We did write but absence when you are in your Senior year of High School doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. In February 1966, I did met the first true love in my life and slowly put Kenny out of my mind.  My Senior year from February was a whirlwind romance and school activities wise.  Once my high school sweetheart dump me because I was stuck in a rot...the rot of the 1950's. A good girl does not have sex before marriage and she does not smoke wacky tobacco.  So this boring girl went and had herself a pity party.

Part of that party was to write Kenny for sympathy and encouragement but he surprised me with an invitation to visit him at University Illinois in Champagne. Fortunately my Dad worked for Eastern Airlines and I flew on a pass to Chicago. I still can not believe that I traveled by myself to a major U.S. city and then on to Champagne via train. What was truly unbelievable that I was romanticizing the weekend from the tour of the campus, to the movie date to see "Blow-up," and finishing the first night at a near beer bar.  I knew that it was a sympathy weekend but my imagination created a fantasy that would last a life time.

Although our communication faded over the year of 1967 due to other entanglements, my feelings for Kenny never really faded. Early in 1968, our paths crossed  under tragic circumstances; Judy's mother died at the young age of 41. Judy would also die at a young age.

I was nervous going to Mrs. Fitcher's wake on the chance that Kenny would be there. Would Kenny talk to me or would he ignore me. My body was shaking and my eye was twitching while sitting in the waiting room while keeping an eye on the door.  Finally he did arrive and slowly made his way over to the corner where I was sitting. He had his charm overwhelmed me and he accompanied my friend Gayle and me back into Boston.  I had plans to stay with my friend Joanne at her apartment in Boston so Kenny tag along with me. During the evening, I became more confused over my feelings towards Kenny.  He was more than just a friend, he was my fantasy, my dream.  Everyone would pale in comparison to him as I go forward in life.

In reality, I never stopped loving him but in was not in his league plus I turned him away a year or so later. I was dating a handsome professional football player who was black.  My mind had practically erased Kenny as I knew he would lambaste when he found out a was dating a black man. One evening after work,  I came home to my apartment that I shared with my cousin Joanne  and there in the living room was both Kenny and my new boyfriend. It was a nightmare and was surprised Kenny stayed in the same room as Ezell.

Ezell, my new boyfriend, was a gentlemen left the apartment so I could catch up with Kenny. My regret was Kenny was never given a chance to tell me how he had changed. He was applying to a Boston college and was looking forward to sending time with me.  I informed him that he was a Southern bigot and could never be friends again with him. That was 44 years ago and I regret it more than I can express.

The Beatles Live

Sunday, February 9, 2014


Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first appearance of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed Sullivan Show was a variety show hosted by a former journalist who in the view of a then 15 year old he was the worst host ever!! The show's popularity was based on the variety of the acts which appeared weekly.   Most importantly it was an hour each week for the family to gather in front of the family television for family entertainment. 

The anticipation of viewing The Beatles was the topic of choice at school, church, Rainbow Girls and after school gatherings especially for girls like me.  I was not the most popular or the most attractive girl in fact the boys at my school never found me the least attractive. Why would they, I was taller than most boys, flat chested and dressed like a ragamuffin. Yes, I dreamed of being curvy and top heavy Annette Funicello look-a-like instead Carol Burnett was more on target. 

The frenzy of the Beatles made it possible for me to dream about the possibility of loving and being attractive. The Beatles represented a dream of a handsome talent young man who was smitten with me as he sang to only me. He was safe because that dream would never want sex but only tell the world I was the one. How silly was that idea for a girl that never was the one for anyone.

Sorry, I take that back there was a special boy who I regret never realized how special he was. He was handsome, a Methodist, a science genius and he admired me and wish to take me out to the Science Museum.  Crazy me, thought I could do better....the 5'7" bean pole with no chest.  So regret today is that I never took Stevie Munroe seriously.  I regret that my choice was a poor one because I was too young to know that my action was hurtful due to my overblown ego.

Steve Monroe, you will never read this but know that you are this woman's regret.